Faith, Sex and my Dead Baby

“Why don’t you go to church anymore, is it because you don’t believe in God?” My answer was ‘when my baby died I found it very hard to be around babies and people who didn’t know what to say to me.’ her reply “oh yeah, I’m sorry I forgot”.

People do forget, people wonder why they don’t see you often. People wonder if my faith in God has gone. I very much believe in God, I have more faith since Rosie died. Don’t get me wrong when Rosie did die I didn’t want to believe in God, I didn’t want to believe that God let this happen to our baby. I was angry and believe me I told him so, I begged God to bring my baby back to build her back up from the ashes to just answer why she died. To give me some hope, I beg for the pain to stop. For the world to stop hurting me. The way I’m writing this may seem to you as though God is cruel, as though he doesn’t exist but think of this.. There is hope. There is hope that from this deep abyss there will come the greatest glory. If you believe in God you will know that we don’t get what we want we get what we need. Things don’t make sense until you look back when all the things you went through were to strengthen you or to prepare you or to help others. I think I will always look back and wonder why Rosie died, why God let her die, because he did, he let it happen. As much as I don’t want to think that the most admirable and wondrous force took my daughter away from me he did and that hurts but its for reasons I don’t know why. I can only try and soften the blow by thinking Rosie was saved, saved from years of pain and illness or something worse. This is just my way of thinking, I understand lots of people feel angry with God and you know I’m still angry with him but I still love God, I still live my life knowing that he knows what is best for me and knowing that to him I am a princess and worth all of his royalties. These times have felt like I’ve been going from bad to worse, what could I be being prepared for? My husband and I barely have a marriage, oh we love each other so much don’t be mistaken by that but we argue a lot, we struggle to spend time together, we don’t date mainly because of money issues, we don’t find romance and our sex life well that goes up and down. If I told you six times a month I’d be lying that was just one month in the past six. Thinking about making love and being in the mood for it are different things, sometimes we can’t stop thinking about death or pain or all these worries we have. You may think I’m divulging too much but I believe that someone else is going through this too and may need to hear that they aren’t the only ones. Can you think about sex and not associate it to babies and then death? It takes a lot of training your thoughts to stop bringing these thoughts together. Making love is what you need, you don’t need to feel loved by using sex, it doesn’t work. You don’t want to have sex to make babies, you don’t want to think of yourself as the vessel that brought a dead baby into the world. I felt like I was death in form. As though my womb was useless and poisonous. Some times I’m scared because I don’t want to bring death to anyone else. Some times I feel disgusting, useless, unworthy of my husband because I brought our baby into the world dead. I think if you focus on making another baby after one has died sex becomes machinery, baby making. You need romance, to stop associating negativity with the intimacy two people can share in a magnifiscent way.
My husband and I don’t have a home of our own, we don’t have money, infact because we live with my mum we’ve gotten her into thousands of debt in just six months. So now I have the guilt of my mums debt for us, my husband working 40 hours a week for barely £200 and me with nothing, no job, no baby, no home, no help, just worries and pain and frustation. Am I angry with God? Yes, who would be in this situation and not be angry? Who wouldn’t just say to him Give us miracles and prove you’re here? I’m not. I thank him every day for the wonderful things he’s bringing to us, if I don’t remember love and hope what else do I dwell on? Negativity. I don’t want to be negative, life is what you do not what has happened to you. If I lived forever in negativity I’d just be asking for bad things to happen, be thankful for the days that will come to you for the path you’ll make for yourself, you may even get something good from it. Listen I hate being positive when I have nothing good in my life except my husband but if I lost him I’d have nothing so why wouldn’t I be thankful and happy to have him? There is something you have that is positive and in the future you’ll have more of those somethings to be positive.

Losing a baby takes away your future for a while but its time to realise that you still have a future a different one but it could be a good one.