People, friends, family. Hurt. Pain. Anger. Faith.
Why do people let me down so much? It has only been six months since Rosie died and then was born yet no one remembers her, not every day like I do. Not every moment like me. Friends, they don’t contact me, they make arrangements to meet with me and never show up, they even walk past me in the street. Friends push me to people who will understand what I am going through, tell me to reach out to other lost parents. Family, forget about me, never contact me, expect me to contact them and when I do they don’t realise how hard it was for me to even text them. My door knocks and I still run upstairs to my bedroom because I can’t handle people and their misguided ways of how to treat me. The door never usually knocks for me but i’m still scared of the outside world, judging me and how I should be coping now, telling me I should be over this, even telling me I should have more children right away, Judgement happens in the world, it shouldn’t but it does, you are even judging how i’m writing these words now. I judge, I often see mothers smoking whilst pregnant and get so very angry, I get angry because my friends that I had before Rosie died are no longer my friends now. I judge you, you are judging me too. My judging gets me angry, I judge you on your lack of friendship towards me, your lack of contact, I judge you on how you act when you see me, even the words you speak, i get angry that you can no longer treat me how you once did, I get angry when I reach out to you for friendship, support, love. I don’t get it, if i do get it, it isn’t enough. You make me angry. Wait, it isn’t your fault. I’ve been angry at you, friends, family, church, because you couldn’t be there for me. Perhaps you didn’t want to be there for me. In all I have judged you for this and I am wrong for doing so. I have just realised that you can’t be here for me, you can’t because you are happy in your life and you don’t want to take on my sadness. Or because life is hard for you too and you can’t handle my sadness. Or you just aren’t perfect. Yes, that’s right i know you’re secret…you never have been and never will be perfect. You can’t be here for me because you can’t give me your all. I can’t give you my all either, I can’t give you all of my pain because I need this pain to remember Rosie did exist and I am a mum. You aren’t God, only he can be there for me completely, only my heavenly father can feel all of my pain and carry it with him as well as carrying me. You may only be able to smile at me or think of me every now and again because that is all you can handle in your life right now. Some people can’t be happy themselves and think of others pain at the same time, its too hard. Let me tell you, dear friend, I feel pain all of the time so when you come to a time that you feel pain I will think of you and be here for you, not completely because I will always carry my own pain too but as you live in happy times I find it hard to stand with you in joy because my life has very little of it. Just know that as you feel your own pain i stand with you and offer you my hand, God though, will be there for you in joy and pain he is completely yours, completely mine. We, we’re not perfect, so I forgive you for not remembering Rosie, not remembering our pain, not being a friend when we most need it because I want you to forgive me for not remembering your happiness or joy when you need friends to celebrate with you. I am very proud of the accomplishments you make in life, I am proud that i have known you at one time but I do not know you now as you do not know me. I am changed, for better and for worse. I can very much handle your pain as it takes me away from my own, I can love people very easily and help people because I reap the rewards of those happy moments for my own selfishness.
I will admit to you that I have been very angry with you, friends, family and even you strangers, angry that you don’t share my pain, angry that you forget about me, angry that you have the things that I do not have. Where has anger gotten me? I am still in this emotional wreck, still looking for signs of hope I am still walking by faith and not by sight. Anger is a fool’s emotion it does nothing for anyone but yourself and all it does is make life darker with less to live for.
I want to share with you a passage out of the bible which has helped me in times of despair, I have screamed this out for my Daddy God to hear but I have realised that he already knew it before I shouted it: Psalm 31
1-2 I run to you, God; I run for dear life.
Don’t let me down!
Take me seriously this time!
Get down on my level and listen,
and please—no procrastination!
Your granite cave a hiding place,
your high cliff aerie a place of safety.
3-5 You’re my cave to hide in,
my cliff to climb.
Be my safe leader,
be my true mountain guide.
Free me from hidden traps;
I want to hide in you.
I’ve put my life in your hands.
You won’t drop me,
you’ll never let me down.
6-13 I hate all this silly religion,
but you, God, I trust.
I’m leaping and singing in the circle of your love;
you saw my pain,
you disarmed my tormentors,
You didn’t leave me in their clutches
but gave me room to breathe.
Be kind to me, God—
I’m in deep, deep trouble again.
I’ve cried my eyes out;
I feel hollow inside.
My life leaks away, groan by groan;
my years fade out in sighs.
My troubles have worn me out,
turned my bones to powder.
To my enemies I’m a monster;
I’m ridiculed by the neighbors.
My friends are horrified;
they cross the street to avoid me.
They want to blot me from memory,
forget me like a corpse in a grave,
discard me like a broken dish in the trash.
The street-talk gossip has me
Behind locked doors they plot
how to ruin me for good.
14-18 Desperate, I throw myself on you:
you are my God!
Hour by hour I place my days in your hand,
safe from the hands out to get me.
Warm me, your servant, with a smile;
save me because you love me.
Don’t embarrass me by not showing up;
I’ve given you plenty of notice.
Embarrass the wicked, stand them up,
leave them stupidly shaking their heads
as they drift down to hell.
Gag those loudmouthed liars
who heckle me, your follower,
with jeers and catcalls.
19-22 What a stack of blessing you have piled up
for those who worship you,
Ready and waiting for all who run to you
to escape an unkind world.
You hide them safely away
from the opposition.
As you slam the door on those oily, mocking faces,
you silence the poisonous gossip.
His love is the wonder of the world.
Trapped by a siege, I panicked.
“Out of sight, out of mind,” I said.
But you heard me say it,
you heard and listened.
23 Love God, all you saints;
God takes care of all who stay close to him,
But he pays back in full
those arrogant enough to go it alone.
24 Be brave. Be strong. Don’t give up.
Expect God to get here soon.
Now I expect great, magnificent, wonderful, complete things from God and not from you.