The past few days 15 weeks and 3 days after Rosie’s death and birth I have been crippled by grief.
I’ve had a run of being really positive not letting my heartache take over me. I’ve gained a couple of job interviews and tried to prepare for them, i’ve seen friends and spoken about what I can do to help others and then the creeping of grief came to me and kidnapped the person I was trying to be. Fighting the dark sack over my head suffocating me with grief. Suddenly I am struck with a crippling disease that I try to fight but can’t. My mind goes to death and loss, it tortures me with the sinking feeling of missing Rosie. Reliving the moments of pregnancy when I didn’t appreciate all of the time I had with Rosie, if only I had treasured those nine months more. If only I was strong enough to not have pain relief so I could remember more details of my labour. If only I could stop thinking about Rosie now. I Just want to forget the pain, to forget the pain i’d have to forget Rosie. This week I have been willing to forget Rosie so I can get out of my kidnapped mind.
Suddenly my legs are so weak I cannot walk alone. My body is so rejective I feel sick after food. Usually I’m great at handling sympathy after all the practise losing Rosie has given me. Now I feel the sympathy tornado coming towards me picking me up and slamming me from rock to concrete. The grains of sand I find in my shoes are the pieces of me breaking away just falling all around. Eyes itching with tired soreness, knees tapping away trying to find some bit of desperate act to keep my mind occupied and away from the death of my daughter. Watching and counting every tap and tut, listening for every inhale and exhale wondering if the last one is coming soon. An anxiety has overcome me, even walking out of my front door takes painkillers.
Today, yesterday, grief has crippled me and I don’t know when I will be able to smile genuinely again. There is no cure for grief. This is a life sentence.
I Know it won’t be like this everyday but today it is, tomorrow seems a long way off.