At those times when you’re on your own you think you’re fine, you’ve managed to smile a few times even managed not to cry on the bus looking at the mum cooing over her baby. You broke the news of your baby dying to someone who didn’t know without stumbling on your words and then suddenly you feel completely lost. You fall back to the bottom of that black pit you keep trying to climb out of. You see the black cloud approaching and wish you had someone to talk to just to keep the cloud at bay.
This is how i feel now. I want to die. I do not plan on dying any time soon but if somehow i could be dead now i would be. It isn’t wrong to feel like this. Lots of people try to tell you you’re being stupid for feeling suicidal but you aren’t. I simply want to be with my baby and my baby isn’t on this earth anymore, the only way i could ever be with my baby, Rosie, is to be dead. It should be me taking care of her now. It isn’t wrong for me to feel this way because i’d be a bad mother if i didn’t want to take care of my child, to be with and love my child. People often take these feelings in the wrong way, especially counsellors. Do not ever be ashamed to say that you want to be with your baby because that is not wrong that is the right emotion it just isn’t right to act on that emotion.
At this point eleven weeks and four days after Rosie’s death and birth i keep trying to climb out of the black pit i’m in. I keep trying to forget about the pain i have. I have such an emotional pain that feels like its almost physical but no painkillers will ever stop it. Imagine the pins and needles tingling you get when you stop blood supply to a foot and then trying to walk on it. It feels like glass is piercing your skin but it isn’t a real pain, think of that pain but in your head, permenantly. Its a pain that won’t ever go away and can never be stopped. Many people say ‘time heals’ it doesn’t heal it just becomes easier to hide the pain, grief never becomes anything less, you just learn to live with it. I didn’t think i’d get as far as eleven weeks when Rosie died. Everyday i have a surprise meltdown, mainly a surprise to myself. Today i thought how strong i was and then i thought of Rosie in heaven asking God to make mummy and daddy happy again. We can never hope to be happy but we know that one day we will be content with happy moments. The aim for happiness is an aim you probably won’t succeed but it isn’t any reason to stop trying for happiness.
I have been told many stories from people who know parents to stillborn babies, i am usually told “my friend’s baby died but they have just had a baby girl/boy. So it turned out good in the end” this is a wrong statement. It didn’t turn out good in the end because their first baby is still dead, they still have that same grief from their first baby dying but they now have some joy as well. Do you see why it was a wrong statement? No parent will forget about their dead baby and the baby that survives after that isn’t an answer to their grief, it is added joy.
I want to make sure that you know grief will never leave any parent and no child can be replaced but even in this black pit there is light above and with help that light is obtainable. Looking down into the pit only gives you darkness and there will always be darkness in your life but where there is darkness light is soon to follow. Hold on for the light and if one day you find contentment you have obtained some of that light.
I went to a leaving party on sunday for two friends (the positive of positivity, the sort of people you love to love but hate to be around when you are full of darkness) there was a baby i grew close to when i was pregnant with Rosie. He was born on my wedding day in fact and when Rosie was seven and a half months in my tummy i held this baby boy on top of my Rosie bump where she kicked like mad, she kicked so much it made this baby boy cry. She had bullied him from the womb but i had high hopes that she’d become best friends with this baby boy. When i saw him at the party i had a bond with him but i didn’t want to be too close because it was bitter sweet. By the end of that party i had made the decision to hold him, i feared that it’d feel wrong holding someone else’s baby instead of my own but it felt absolutely nothing like holding my own baby. He felt nothing like Rosie did, this made me so joyous that i could remember how it felt to hold Rosie and that no other baby i would hold would ever feel like holding her. For any grieving parent that is scared of replacing their baby by holding someone else’s don’t let it stop you. Holding another baby will never feel like the one you held in your arms the day they were born.
I also faced two quite visibly pregnant friends which i’ll be honest was one of the hardest things i could have done since giving birth to Rosie. What you can do to help your situation is talk positivity over them because they are going to be scared for their baby now. If its happened to us it could happen to them,
just fill them with positivity and not fear. Let them know its hard for you and you are jealous of them and maybe they will be the ones that will be able to understand half of the way grief has affected you.
Don’t drop the baby but let the baby drop into your conversation with honesty and love.